Friday, 21 September 2012

Whenever I'm down I call on you my friend

Fact of the matter is - that's not me, actually, the one that calls on a friend when down. No, no, that's not me at all. I go it alone. Most of the time. That is how I decided early on in life.

That does not mean I don't have friends. I do. I have a few very dear friends without whom I would not be me since these are the girls that I've spent my formative years with and all the things we went through together make me what I am today. For that, I am eternally grateful.

The only thing is that I first need to mull things over inside, deep down, be sad or happy about them, cherish them or perish any thought of them, and only then I might share them with another person. I might, which does not mean that I necessarily will.

I was not always like that. It goes without saying that I've spent most of my teenage years going over everything that happened to me in the course of a day with several friends, but I think I always held a little of it back. Not information, but my feelings about things. My deepest insecurities, fears, or inclinations. For fear of being judged, dissected, hurt, ridiculed. Not that my friends would do that. It's just my fear and I think everyone fears that at some level, consciously or unconsciously.

All these friendships have evolved during the years. We are not, none of us, those same persons we were when we set off in our childhood or teens. I am not the same person. I am not nearly as carefree or sure of myself as I was. Strange, because that confidence should actually come with the wisdom of age, but not in my case. Everything I know makes me question everything in my life even more.

But what has changed most about me is that I have only recently learned that it is ok to fall apart and it is ok for your friends to see it and see you like that. It is ok to depend on people and their support. It is ok to depend and it is ok to share more. No one will think less of me because of that. And I think I have really made progress with this and it has made me a better person, a better friend for sure.

The only thing is that I am not sure how my life choices have affected my friendships, or rather their quality. In my early twenties I decided that having a serious relationship, working hard for my studies and eventually gaining financial and all other kinds of independence from my parents is something to invest all my efforts in and that has kept me away from my friends for quite some time.

It does not mean I loved them less. No. I loved them the same and I missed them often but I kept my time and my energies focused on something else. My friendships have certainly suffered for that. And when rather recently, or in the past few years I re-evaluated some of my life choices and sort of tried to re-establish these important friendships I am not sure I fully succeeded. My friends accepted me back sort of with all the love and care as previously, but certainly not without some resentment. Not that any of it was ever said out loud. But i kind of feel it's there.

And I often wonder if our relationship will ever be the same.

Or if my struggle for sameness is actually a battle lost in advance as it is impossible.

And I should accept my friends and our relationships as they are and cherish them the best I can and hope we all grow old together.


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