My Firstborn

For six years (one week short of six years, to be exact), my first child, my beautiful daughter, has been the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I though of before falling to sleep. My love for her has grown exponentially since I gave birth and has become the single most fulfilling emotion that graced my life. My love for my husband, my mom and brother, my close friends and other important people in my life was still there but the depth of my feelings towards my daughter trumped all else.
Our relationship was built gradually, starting as a mother's worry for her newborn and evolving into a warm, deep, caring sense of knowing, belonging, loving this little person who just became more and more awesome as the days passed by. We established our own communication, our own language, our rituals. This became all important for me. It also changed and/or modified my relationships with everyone else in my life, bringing out the good stuff - as well as the not so good - to the surface and influencing how I saw the world and everyone around me.
No, I did not forget about everything else. Having a child brought me and my husband even closer, augmented our love and enriched our relationship. I did not stop thinking about and doing stuff that make me who I am - although some of these things took a while to get back to. I continued working and dedicating a significant amount of my energy to my work. I continued travelling through work and enjoying every bit of it. I eventually continued going out, with my husband, with my friends, co-workers, going to the movies and the theater, taking long walks, just enjoying myself.
Still, my feelings for my child and my life with my child became the single most defining aspect of my everyday. She's grown up into a smart, sensitive, happy child, attuned to the world and other people, curious and observant, with a lot of empathy and deep emotions. And that made me so happy and so proud of everything she did and accomplished. This became especially pronounced this year as she has grown up so  much, showed such a special sense of understanding life and her surroundings, and learned so many different skills.
And then, almost a month ago, everything changed. I had this concern that giving birth to another child would alter this most important relationship in my life. Partially, that was the reason why I delayed getting pregnant for the second time. Things started changing during pregnancy and even before I've said it out loud it was my child that defined the profound shift that was to take place in our household. One day she just said 'Mom, I know, when the baby is born, nothing will ever be the same'. Ha, talk about an insightful kid...
However, the real extent of the change manifested itself once I got home for the hospital with the baby. While I was in the maternity ward for three days, I was beginning to get to know my newborn and enjoy time with her but my thoughts were always with my elder. What is she doing now? Is she worried that I'm not around? Does she miss me? Is she sad, upset? Am I going to get home in time for her birthday?
Come home on time I did. And managed to organize everything and everyone so that the birthday celebrations would not lack anything, just as before the baby. But I couldn't make it to the party for her friends. That killed me.
However, the realization of how much things have really changed hit me hard that evening. The baby was asleep and I went to get my party girl to bed. We got into the pajamas, brushed our teeth, and I lay beside her, just as I've always did - that was our special time, to talk, giggle, tell stories, sing and cuddle. I hugged her and she was almost nodding off when it hit me - God, this may not happen every evening from now on, there is someone else who needs me, and this does not feel the same as it did before- there is someone else to think/worry/care about. I felt a great sadness overcome me and I started crying.
In a way, I miss it. I miss that feeling of caring so much for my special girl and only for her. I feel sad that I have sort of robbed her of that feeling as she will never receive my undivided and exclusive attention in the same way as she did before the baby. I know that the love I feel now is not simply shared/divided - it is augmented and richer, but I still mourn the loss of that unique feeling and bond I had with her.
The baby will never be the only one - she is always the second child thus she gets to share me from day one and for her it will be normal. But it is different for my firstborn. She's been really great since the baby came home, gracious, caring, helping with everything, she's just a darling girl. But that night I felt the loss of something I know will never be the same and felt it so much so that it hurt physically. 

Mom 2.0

Well, who would've thunk it? Being pregnant, giving birth and becoming a mom the second time around is equally as all-consuming as it was six years ago when I first gave birth. And that's where all the similarities stop. IT IS NOT THE SAME. It is so much more of everything...

My newborn will turn one month next week and to say that my life has undergone a complete and profound change is an understatement. The depth and wealth of emotions I have been going through this past weeks is almost indescribable, wonderful and deeply perturbing, all at the same time.

The biggest changes - at least how I see them now - concern my relationship with my firstborn, my impressions on giving birth, breastfeeding and doing all these things that only women can do, and my attitude towards my body.

I'll try and write about all of these in separate posts in an attempt to clear my head and find reason and rhyme to what is a whirlwind of intense emotions at all times since another precious little girl saw the light of day through the miracle that is childbirth.

The Year We Lost our Grandfathers

Knowing that the Grim Reaper comes for those who are indeed first in line given their age and health issues does not make loosing a family member any easier. Within a month apart, both my husband and me lost our grandfathers. They were both almost 90 and their health, their bodies were failing them in the past few months to the point that living was not easy. Both have been blessed with long lives and relatively good health well into their 80s so I guess that in and of itself is more than any of us can hope to experience given our sedentary way of life and the questionable quality of food we are ingesting.
That does not mean that their lives were easy. My husband's grandfather survived the Second World War in a German labor camp. My grandfather was purposefully displaced from Montenegro - the land of stone and hills - to the rural flats of the Serbian northern province of Vojvodina. They both spent most of their lives tending to the land and animals, although they both also earned their pensions through regular office work.
Losing my grandfather means there is one less member of my family from my late father's side and that makes me so sad because it's also like every time that happens I'm also losing another part of my dad again. My grandpa was a tall, strong man, with wavy hair - a feature most of us, his grand kids, have inherited. He was very optimistic and easygoing in his manner and very disciplined and hardworking. He could cook wonderfully, another trait that runs among the male members of my family, and could also make a mean apple strudel. He was also very stubborn, another of his characteristics that some of us (khm, khm) inherited without doubt.
My husband's grandfather was a figure of authority, old-school man of the house type, but also with a great sense of humor and very lovable. In some photos the resemblance between him, my husband and my daughter is uncanny. Visiting his home in Slavonija, in Croatia, enjoying the outdoors, the country stuff so appealing to the kids grown up among the concrete blocks of a big city, was every bit as exciting for me as it was for my daughter. He lived an honest, simple life albeit taking the hard way out of some situations because that's just the way he was. Obstinacy is also a family trait in my husband and my daughter and it is he who they have to thank for it.
I will miss them both a lot. They will never meet the baby growing inside of me, but my daughter will remember them both.
My maternal grandfather, though, is still alive and well, going strong aged 84, and I am very thankful for that. His is a very special place in my heart.

I am someone

This really blew me off today . . . I think I've been searching for a real definition of this feeling of complexity for so long and these simple yet poignant words just wowed me when I read them this morning. I am somebody without labels, definitions, fake priorities of shoulds and must-haves and all that - I am me and that is so many mes all wrapped up in one and I don't want to let go of any of them. They may mature, change over time, so their voices are subdued and some others take over but they are all inside. A teenager who knows the lyrics to all new MTV/VH1 tunes, a geeky bookworm in eternal quest for knowledge, a doting mom, a loving wife, a sexy woman, a clumsy woman, a sister, a friend, a child, a big goof, an all-too-serious grown-up, prone to tears and rages and meek as a lamb all at once, all in one, me!

Word!

Here is the smartest, most to the point, eye-opener of a text that I have read ever on the subject of women and 'having it all'. A painful, realistic picture of society at large and our place in it. I had to share, I hope someone else also finds it useful.

Together for 60 years

It is my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary today! Sixty years, people, sixty years of a balanced, harmonious marriage, based on love and respect, that's an achievement in itself!

That is not to say that there haven't been ups and downs, tough times, rough patches, call it what you want. And compromise. But given that my parents got married in 1953 and that both of them were born in 1930, you can see that we are dealing with people from another time, with a different set of values and a different attitude towards relationships, obligations, families, responsibilities. For them, marriage is something you enter into for all the right reasons - they were seriously in love when they got married - and then cherish and work on in order to make it last. It is not to be taken lightly, it is not to be dissolved, solutions and means are to be found, the family is to be kept together and ripe old age and death are to be faced together. Truly, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health . . .

I admire my grandparents for sticking to it, sticking with each other and making it work all these years. I've spent my childhood with them and I grew up on love and care that was always in abundance in their house. Money was never overflowing but there was always enough. My grandad was the bread-winner and my grandma the home maker, though a miracle worker might be a better term for that, given what she managed to do with just one salary.

It was not all plain sailing all the time. They've lived through some really tough times, like the war in former Yugoslavia, and loosing their birth place and members of their families to atrocities of the civil war. Between them, there was also mention of potential infidelity on my grandfather's part at one point, although, reportedly, it never went so far as to become physical. But my grandma suffered some for it, that I know.


Yet, they made it even through that.

It's hard for me to say whether my marriage will see the same ripe old age. But I know I want it to. And I'm willing to work on it! 


When talking to my grandparents yesterday, I heard about the weather predicament that could have prevented their wedding from taking place 60 years ago. My granddad spent 12 hours in a snow-blocked train up in the mountains of Lika before being able to reach the village and the whole wedding party that was waiting for him to go and get the bride and get married. There was a lot of drama involved, as we are talking of an age that didn't involve cell phones and wireless communication, so no one basically knew what was happening with him and where he was. Talk about nerve-wrecking!

But he made it and 60 years after they have two children, four grandchildren and two great granddaughters to show for!



p.s. pictures from the weekend spent in my home town in Serbia . . . 

Happy New Year!

Yes, another one just whizzed by . . . The sense of warp speed with which years pass by me is increasingly palpable ever since I had my little girl four years ago. I can't believe she's grown so much and is this pretty fantastic little lady already! 2012 has been a special year for her, just like all preceding ones were and the future ones will be, as she is beginning to show her true character more and more, as well as her abilities which are, if it is not to presumptuous to say so given that I'm her mom, amazing! She's a sweet kid, very empathetic and in tune with even the slightest quiver of emotion around. She's also very stubborn and she knows what she wants and is ready to get it no matter what! I love her to pieces and I hope 2013 will be another fun roller coaster ride for her and us as we tag along ;-)

2012 was remarkable for me in many ways, mainly deeply personal and having to do with the shifts and shuffles in my inner workings. I cannot say I have it all worked out or that I'm a new person, but some changes started and cannot be stopped any more. I have a somewhat different attitude to stress, work and life in general, I fret about things at least a little bit less, and I know my priorities - my family, my well being, my peace and then everything else. I started taking better care about myself. I went to a dentist after many years of a completely irrational fear of even smelling that particular smell that so unmistakably says you're at the dentist's. I started eating less crap and more home made food. My new job allows me a one-hour break during the day which I use to walk a lot and I feel so much better for that - walking is the ultimate cure when it comes to my sense of well being.

I started this new job in March. And I like it. It's so much different than my previous job and my previous relationship with my boss and it's such a relief and a refreshment. I still work a lot, I still work more than other people in the office, I have my boss's ultimate trust, but at least I don't have to endure brain washing on a daily basis any more. And that helps a lot.

I'm not sure though how this will reflect on my future jobs and carrier and I know I need to already start looking past this situation and seek more permanent, reliable solutions. A tough cookie, I know.

This year was also marked by a big baby boom among my friends and family and happy news abounded throughout the past 12 months. Sadly, the year also involved more or less untimely deaths as a constant reminder that my dad is also not around any more.

The most important job my husband and me have initiated this year - getting a new, bigger home for our family - is not finished yet and I will be quite anxious for the holidays to pass and to hear some much awaited good news soon. I can only hope and pray for this one . . .

Here's what one of the horoscopes I browsed says for the upcoming year:

LEO/LEO RISING
YOUR FUN-FILLED FANTASY your big break
YOUR FULFILLING REALITY taking care of family business
THE CHALLENGE TO ACHIEVE BALANCE between clean living and hard work, and taking off on a crazy tangent
THE MYSTERY TO BEGIN UNRAVELING sex, death and other people’s money
YOUR STRONGEST ASSET Focusing on home repairs and eating proper foods.
YOUR GOOD NEWS BY SPRING friendship

Interesting . . . Especially the balance part ;-)

With this I leave you in 2012 and I wish that all your woes and troubles also stay there so that the New Year can be refreshing, thrilling and positive for all!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

P.S. a gratuitous shot of the office counter which was graced with an abundance of sweets provided by me today for my colleagues, until, erm, the sweets just disappeared ;-)

Midlife Crisis at 30

A great article which I stumbled upon quite accidentally. A good read about the struggles that we, the women in our 30s, have by virtue of being daughters of our mothers who first experienced the pains associated with having it all. Read more

Enlightening ;-)

November Recap

This was one crazy month! Too many things, both good and bad happened in the space of only 30 days - that is what I find to be incredible every time I witness how one's life gets profoundly changed in the span of a few hours/days.

Here goes:

We've put in a request for a bank loan in order to buy a bigger apartment for our little family. Given the amount of paperwork and nerves that has taken so far, without being over - it's a marathon, not a short sprint obviously, I hope we make it and get it done as I really do not want to do it another time . . . If it works, it will be great, we'll have a nice place close to where we live now meaning our daily rhythm will not suffer any significant changes. Fingers&toes people!

My close cousin got married after 12 years of a relationship that we weren't exactly sure will actually end in a marriage. But it did and both the bride and the groom were genuinely happy for the duration of the ceremony and the ensuing celebrations. They had a small civil ceremony and then it was off to the party for us the younger generations. It was one of the greatest parties I attended lately, with this great DJ playing the 80s and 90s music. Some time after midnight it was real wild party time so the girls took off the high heels and some serous jumping around occurred. Here's the visual of no shoes:

Poor cast offs, all alone ;-) The purple ones to the left are all mine!











We had a nice family lunch the next day in a cute restaurant near the Danube.

This month also saw me on the road quite a lot:

It was first the work-related trip to Kladovo, a town in Eastern Serbia, on the banks of the mighty Danube, then the visit to hubby's grandparents in Croatia and my first sight of a sleepy little near by town of Virovitica, off to Novi Sad for the wedding, and then again work-related jaunts to Pirot and Prokuplje (with a sleep over in Nis)  - another first time for me in these two Serbian towns. I was lucky that the weather was mild and enjoyable for all the trips. This moving about certainly contributed to the feeling of time fleeting by.

 Kladovo, and Romania across the river

Prokuplje - really beautiful surroundings, vineyards and orchards all around, lots of history, even a settlement from the neolithic period for which it was recently proven that it was the location of first metal working human activity, and not Africa as was believed previously. Unfortunately, for all the natural wealth (three spas also in the vicinity), it is a poor town nowadays.

Inevitable mention of the second anniversary of my father's death. More deaths for close friends and colleagues. News of a horrible illness for my friend's father as well. Overwhelming at times.

Took my husband to see 'Seven Days in Havana'. A great omnibus film, seven short stories on the life in this amazing city with even more amazing people. All the cliches are featured - Cuban people, beautiful and special, singing and dancing like there is no tomorrow despite everything, Castro with his never-ending speeches that form the background TV noise, poverty, desperation, white folks misconceptions and prejudice about the place, but also cults and superstition, sexuality, comic relief all around and love. It paints a picture of a truly amazing place on Earth with unique and resilient people that, similarly to Serbs, express their appreciation and care through food and music.

source

A memorable episode in the movie is marked by Emir Kusturica, our famous director, portraying him as an ordinary man having issues with his fame, alcohol and his wife












Last but not least, new booties. Behold their soft leather glory!

These are the things that marked this month for me. And tons more that do not fit into this blog post. E-mail exchanges with people on far away ends of this world whose absence is acutely felt, phone calls with friends and a conspicuous absence of time to spend with them in person, my daughters improving drawing skills, poem interpretation and singing (it's wondrous how much she's grown and matured in the past few months), endless talks with my mom, etc.

Bring it on December!

Paris

Whenever I wish I was someplace else, it is in Paris. I've been there twice after longing to visit the City of Light since I was a kid. When my uncle came back from his several weeks stay and brought back the maps and pictures of the beautiful city, I was enchanted and all I ever wanted was to go to Paris.

When I started work after University, my boss was this French guy whom I didn't like that much at the beginning. However, we became friends and he ended up doing one of the greatest things for me ever - inviting my husband and me for a week-long stay in his place in Paris as part of our honey moon.

It was the best thing ever! It was April, it was warm and sunny, and we had the free rein of our time and resources. We paved the cobbled streets for hours every day, just drinking it all in - the people, this sights, the smells, awed by the sheer size and lavishness of this grand city.

Nothing was lost on me - the poverty, the beggars, ethnic diversity, morning rush hour, rather pesky waiters when you address them in English God forbid, but also the richness of architecture, art, fashion, a visual feast of a very special kind.

And food. Fantastic food, even plain sandwiches were fantastic. But most amazing for me are the two famous patisseries, Ladure and Pierre Herme, and all kinds of sweet wonders that melted on my tongue.

Our great hosts took us on all sorts of little trips around the city and its vicinity, as well as to great restaurants, a bodega party and a smokey night club, but for me, the city and its never ending noise and rush, the streets, the churches that just jump out at you as you turn a corner, the trees and parks, these made the greatest impression.

We had another trip to France after this and spent a day in Paris before leaving for a lavish wedding ceremony for our hosts and further on, down the Loire valley ending up in Ile de Re in the Atlantic, but that was a whole different story. Amazing and beautiful, but not quite as fabulous as Paris.





It was a dream come true, it was the fulfillment of a childhood dream, it was a honey moon with the man I love, it was my first visit to a Western European city and it was a fairytale.

Two Years

It will be two years to the day tomorrow that my father died. He was 56. I remember everything about that day, minute by minute. I remember my grief, that of my mom and my brother, my husband, as well as the grief of so many people that came to our house to share the sadness of the loss.
For not only did I loose my father, my grandfather lost his son, my aunt lost her brother, my mom's numerous family lost one person that they all universally loved and liked a lot, and his friends and colleagues lost a loyal and good friend and co-worker.
And that was what has sort of taken me aback the most at the day of his funeral - how many people showed up to pay respects because my father was an important part of their lives as well. His friends from childhood, high school, university, his co-workers. I guess I knew he was a well liked guy, I just didn't realize how much so.
Loosing a parent is never easy, regardless of their age when they die. Loosing your spouse, however, is I think even harder and I can see that on my mom. She misses him the most.
Whenever I watch a basketball game or a tennis match, whenever I hear or read some poetry, whenever I hear talk of Russia, I think of my dad. I remember all the good times, I remember my childhood and I know he loved us both so much. I know he loved his granddaughters a lot as well and I'm sad for him and for them that he's not around to see them grow up.
But I also remember the bad stuff and all things he's done wrong which contributed to him leaving us that much sooner. I remember him telling me during his last days how much time he spent with unimportant people instead with us, me and my brother. He was genuinely sorry for that, I know. But I also know that I thought 'well, it's a little late for that now, isn't it?'.
I don't harbor grudges. Any that I had are long buried and forgotten. I have forgiven my dad for everything a long time ago, long before he died. I'm just sorry I didn't tell him that in so many words.
I said my good bye the night before he died but I didn't say it out loud for fear of stirring him from that semi-conscious state he was in. I wanted to say 'I love you dad', but I didn't, at least not out loud. And I regret that a lot.

Rest & Relaxation

This is where I'll be spending the next few days (pictures taken in the summer, but still, illustrative enough). It's my husband's grandparents' place, in a small village with mainly old people where little happens, little is of urgent importance, little stirs the spirit so that one should feel burdened or stressed. It's just quiet, slow living and being, in that place, at that time, without any particular aim or purpose.

There will be pork roast, there will be home made cakes, and my four-year old daughter spending quality time with her great grandparents while they are still around (both are pushing 90, kudos to them). The best thing for me is waking up in the morning and smelling the frosty November chill and fresh air.

It's a place with a soul, a rich family history which my child is a part of and at one point in time she will be 'the heiress' of the whole thing in a position to decide its destiny so I want her to grow up knowing all about it and appreciating it fully.

I'm bringing a book (Paul Auster's 'Timbuktu', had it for a while but never got around to reading it) with me but I can't promise I won't stop by for a few gossip rags to let my brain chew on meaningless stuff with a cup of coffee.
Have a nice weekend!


XOXO
Mimi

Transition

Transitioning lives, transitioning roles, transitioning adulthood - I am recently more acutely aware of all these different aspects of everyday than at other times.

Several of my close and dear friends have either had their lives undergo this remarkable transition called 'child' or are about to undergo one real soon (the stork's been a frequent visitor of many in my immediate vicinity these past moths). Becoming a parent - the most beautiful and yet most difficult and challenging task for any human, at least from my perspective. That is the final act of transition from youth to adulthood. From being a girl, girlfriend, wife to being a mother - the single most important role that will define you until the day you die. No less responsibility or weight in becoming a father as well.

A fairy tale for adults

Another dear friend will walk down the aisle (although she is technically married already ;-), and confirm her oneness with a man she loves before God and before all who matter in their lives. A tremendous transition for any woman. A commitment that is supposed to last a lifetime (and fingers crossed in all earnest it will).

All these things happened to me several years ago, yet whenever they happen to another friend I re-live them and feel joy as well as sadness a bit for myself and for all of us together. Joy for everyone moving forward in their lives and making changes that lead to best possible results - children. Sadness as each wedding and each new child also move us farther away from our careless youths and simple lives that were so full of potential and possibilities, yet so unchartered and new only a few years ago.

These transitioning times also make me realize with more certainty than ever before that I am so lucky to be here to witness all the change and share with everyone I hold dear and special. It also makes me acutely aware of how I lived through my own experience of becoming a mother with very much mixed feelings and sadness over an illness that will eventually take my father. It also makes me cherish more the time we spent together and the fact that he stuck around long enough to meet his granddaughter.

Marriages and new children of my relatives and friends expand this circle of beautiful people with which I share my life and with which I wish my family is surrounded at all times. This makes me grounded and content with the life I have. It also makes all kinds of transitions much easier.

Do we need to have it all?

The topic of women and their position in the modern society is something I do think about a lot lately. Given that I'm in my thirties, a mother of a four-year old, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a working woman for almost ten years now, it is only natural that I am considering this important issue.

Monday Morning

I find that more than ever before we - women - are finding ourselves in this impossible position that we need to fulfill too many social roles and, what's more, that we need to excel in all of them in order to make it count. We need to be perfect mothers or our children will end up as miserable sociopaths, drug users, homicidal maniacs, or generally unhappy people. We need to be perfect wives and keep our marriages together and our husbands happy. We need to be highly educated, professional and committed at our work place and work harder than our male colleagues for smaller salaries. We need to be there for our parents or siblings, unconditionally, mending and patching whatever needs to be tended to, helping and being there, listening if nothing else. And, we also need to be as good looking and youthful as possible, cultured and informed, working on ourselves all the time, perfecting, perfecting, perfecting to infinity and beyond.

Why? And, more importantly - who says so? Why all this pressure? I find that most of the time this comes from other women. And we are so quick when it comes to criticizing one other and dishing out judgement. Hell, I do it as often as the next person.

I think that we do not need to have it all. We really don't. What we need to do is try and do the best we can but even then we must not start out with this impossible premise that we need to be perfect in everything.

Also, we need to lose the guilt trip. Men really have an advantage over us there - they rarely ever have guilt trips. For a woman, this comes naturally. Especially in the Balkans. We are brought up that way, most of us anyway. And I don't think it is even a conscious decision on the part of our mothers.They just replicate this age old model and we happily play along, striving to be these perfect daughters. Until it becomes too much and we snap. I don't want that for my daughter. I want to do a better job at that than my mom did. (This does not mean that I don't absolutely love and respect my mom for everything she's done for me.)

Loosing the guilt, accepting that we cannot fix everything, trying the best we can - this should be enough. Enough for us and enough for the society. Less judging, more understanding and acceptance. Less tension and restlessness, more being at peace with who we are and where our lives are going. This needs to become my mantra anyway.

XOXO
Mimi