Friendships

Evolution of these ties that shape our lives is something that I think about often. Especially how our personal (r)evolutions affect our friendships. I don't always have the best answers, or any answers for that matter.
The one thing that seemed to work best so far is just letting go, not forcing it, letting all pieces fall into place in order to (re)establish balance, understanding, renew trust and confidence. You can't force people to understand you or go through the same things you're going through and think the same or come out the other end the same.
Using yourself and your experiences as a starting point for any relationship only helps so much and it often becomes a big obstacle to communication. The most important thing is to listen. Offering sage advice comes second to that. Sometimes people just need to be listened to. They don't need instant solutions. They just need your time and that feeling that you understand. God knows I do.

 Being a friend is one of the roles we assume in life, just like being a partner, a child, a parent, a sibling. At a certain point in our lives being a friend becomes more important than all other roles. For me it was my youth, high school and university years to an extent. That 'me' was was in a way the best, most easy going and natural version of me. I was a friend and I received so much from my friends. We were a support system, a forum for debates and checks of everything important in our lives, an unquestionable hub of trust, loyalty, love and understanding.
As we grew up, things changed. I can only speak about myself so I will - I changed in as much that my expectation of ultimate trust and understanding now shifted towards my boyfriend (who will later become my husband). And that detracted from my friendships. I was heart and soul 100% in this relationship so the focus of my energy shifted to making it work and to figuring out what the hell am I going to do with my life.
Fast forward a decade and I'm back at reestablishing myself. I fell in love, lived through a fulfilling relationship (and I still am in the same one), got married, had a child and am hammering at my career - I went full circle. Now I'm back to myself. To speaking to and listening to myself. And figuring out how friends and friendships fit in this.
I never stopped loving my friends. I never stopped expecting to give and receive the ultimate support that needs no explanation or cause. I need to feel loved by my friends. I need to be important to them. I also need to be able to show and make them feel important to me.
So I try. And in some instances I just tried too hard. So some friendships fell apart. The oldest ones, from way back in my childhood. Some fell apart and some are watered down to phone conversations every six months. Is that friendship? Or is that feeling that you're just picking up wherever you left last the only thing that matters even though it happens twice every year over the phone? I miss the presence of some of my friends. The actual physical exchanges. And for some of these I went the extra mile but never got the mile in return. So I stopped. And I take whatever is given and consider it enough.
I want to grow old with my friends. I want us to go to the theater/movies/coffees/drinks in our seventies. And be able to speak about everything, truthfully and honestly as ever. And laugh together a lot because my biggest problem is that I take life way too seriously most of the time!

Together for 60 years

It is my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary today! Sixty years, people, sixty years of a balanced, harmonious marriage, based on love and respect, that's an achievement in itself!

That is not to say that there haven't been ups and downs, tough times, rough patches, call it what you want. And compromise. But given that my parents got married in 1953 and that both of them were born in 1930, you can see that we are dealing with people from another time, with a different set of values and a different attitude towards relationships, obligations, families, responsibilities. For them, marriage is something you enter into for all the right reasons - they were seriously in love when they got married - and then cherish and work on in order to make it last. It is not to be taken lightly, it is not to be dissolved, solutions and means are to be found, the family is to be kept together and ripe old age and death are to be faced together. Truly, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health . . .

I admire my grandparents for sticking to it, sticking with each other and making it work all these years. I've spent my childhood with them and I grew up on love and care that was always in abundance in their house. Money was never overflowing but there was always enough. My grandad was the bread-winner and my grandma the home maker, though a miracle worker might be a better term for that, given what she managed to do with just one salary.

It was not all plain sailing all the time. They've lived through some really tough times, like the war in former Yugoslavia, and loosing their birth place and members of their families to atrocities of the civil war. Between them, there was also mention of potential infidelity on my grandfather's part at one point, although, reportedly, it never went so far as to become physical. But my grandma suffered some for it, that I know.


Yet, they made it even through that.

It's hard for me to say whether my marriage will see the same ripe old age. But I know I want it to. And I'm willing to work on it! 


When talking to my grandparents yesterday, I heard about the weather predicament that could have prevented their wedding from taking place 60 years ago. My granddad spent 12 hours in a snow-blocked train up in the mountains of Lika before being able to reach the village and the whole wedding party that was waiting for him to go and get the bride and get married. There was a lot of drama involved, as we are talking of an age that didn't involve cell phones and wireless communication, so no one basically knew what was happening with him and where he was. Talk about nerve-wrecking!

But he made it and 60 years after they have two children, four grandchildren and two great granddaughters to show for!



p.s. pictures from the weekend spent in my home town in Serbia . . . 

Shine bright!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

Celebrations

Today is an important day for me and my family - it is our Slava Day, or the day we pay our respects to the patron saint of our ancestors, Saint Nicholas. Slavas are a big thing in Serbia and to me they, perhaps more than anything else in our orthodox tradition, harken back to the old, pagan days. The whole concept centers around getting into the good books of your patron saint by placating him/her with different offerings - mainly in food and drink - and securing health and prosperity for your family.

Apart from this, Slavas are, or should be, about gathering your family and friends in your home, welcoming them and spending time together to show and feel connected and unified in life and celebrations.

For my family - my parents, my brother and me - this used to be a big thing, a very important day that then got extended to two or three days of guests parading through our home, spending time and leaving well fed and merry. It involved complex preparations (a week before was sacrificed to preparing and producing as much food as possible and procuring all that might be necessary on that day - beverages, tableware, that particular locally produced rakija or wine, etc.) and it would leave us exhausted both physically and financially, but my parents wouldn't have it any other way.

It's this typical Serbian propensity for overdoing it that I found most problematic about marking your saints day, but I'm not going to nitpick about that now. Sometimes I wish I'd taken pictures of the lavish spreads that my parents prepared, delicious food and cakes, the taste of which I still remember very well.

Those times are well and truly over. My dad is gone and my brother took over the Slava, but we don't do the big shebang any more.

We carry on but in a smaller circle of only the closest family members. I miss having my friends over because that made the day special for me and my brother while we were younger.

Although we are all acutely aware of loss and missing my dad on this particular day, I want to start changing our attitude a bit this year. I want us to also feel happy and grateful that we are here and able to sit around the table together and enjoy good food and each others' company.

That is important, the sense of togetherness and being a family, albeit incomplete and permanently damaged in a way.
***
To finish off on a lighter note, here are the pictures of a few cute little fellas that will soon make their way to some little people that i want to make smile for the holidays!

The Gang ;-)

For my niece

For a little kitty cat girl

A special white mouse for a special little guy

A sage owl for a thoughtful and smart boy

November Recap

This was one crazy month! Too many things, both good and bad happened in the space of only 30 days - that is what I find to be incredible every time I witness how one's life gets profoundly changed in the span of a few hours/days.

Here goes:

We've put in a request for a bank loan in order to buy a bigger apartment for our little family. Given the amount of paperwork and nerves that has taken so far, without being over - it's a marathon, not a short sprint obviously, I hope we make it and get it done as I really do not want to do it another time . . . If it works, it will be great, we'll have a nice place close to where we live now meaning our daily rhythm will not suffer any significant changes. Fingers&toes people!

My close cousin got married after 12 years of a relationship that we weren't exactly sure will actually end in a marriage. But it did and both the bride and the groom were genuinely happy for the duration of the ceremony and the ensuing celebrations. They had a small civil ceremony and then it was off to the party for us the younger generations. It was one of the greatest parties I attended lately, with this great DJ playing the 80s and 90s music. Some time after midnight it was real wild party time so the girls took off the high heels and some serous jumping around occurred. Here's the visual of no shoes:

Poor cast offs, all alone ;-) The purple ones to the left are all mine!











We had a nice family lunch the next day in a cute restaurant near the Danube.

This month also saw me on the road quite a lot:

It was first the work-related trip to Kladovo, a town in Eastern Serbia, on the banks of the mighty Danube, then the visit to hubby's grandparents in Croatia and my first sight of a sleepy little near by town of Virovitica, off to Novi Sad for the wedding, and then again work-related jaunts to Pirot and Prokuplje (with a sleep over in Nis)  - another first time for me in these two Serbian towns. I was lucky that the weather was mild and enjoyable for all the trips. This moving about certainly contributed to the feeling of time fleeting by.

 Kladovo, and Romania across the river

Prokuplje - really beautiful surroundings, vineyards and orchards all around, lots of history, even a settlement from the neolithic period for which it was recently proven that it was the location of first metal working human activity, and not Africa as was believed previously. Unfortunately, for all the natural wealth (three spas also in the vicinity), it is a poor town nowadays.

Inevitable mention of the second anniversary of my father's death. More deaths for close friends and colleagues. News of a horrible illness for my friend's father as well. Overwhelming at times.

Took my husband to see 'Seven Days in Havana'. A great omnibus film, seven short stories on the life in this amazing city with even more amazing people. All the cliches are featured - Cuban people, beautiful and special, singing and dancing like there is no tomorrow despite everything, Castro with his never-ending speeches that form the background TV noise, poverty, desperation, white folks misconceptions and prejudice about the place, but also cults and superstition, sexuality, comic relief all around and love. It paints a picture of a truly amazing place on Earth with unique and resilient people that, similarly to Serbs, express their appreciation and care through food and music.

source

A memorable episode in the movie is marked by Emir Kusturica, our famous director, portraying him as an ordinary man having issues with his fame, alcohol and his wife












Last but not least, new booties. Behold their soft leather glory!

These are the things that marked this month for me. And tons more that do not fit into this blog post. E-mail exchanges with people on far away ends of this world whose absence is acutely felt, phone calls with friends and a conspicuous absence of time to spend with them in person, my daughters improving drawing skills, poem interpretation and singing (it's wondrous how much she's grown and matured in the past few months), endless talks with my mom, etc.

Bring it on December!

Paris

Whenever I wish I was someplace else, it is in Paris. I've been there twice after longing to visit the City of Light since I was a kid. When my uncle came back from his several weeks stay and brought back the maps and pictures of the beautiful city, I was enchanted and all I ever wanted was to go to Paris.

When I started work after University, my boss was this French guy whom I didn't like that much at the beginning. However, we became friends and he ended up doing one of the greatest things for me ever - inviting my husband and me for a week-long stay in his place in Paris as part of our honey moon.

It was the best thing ever! It was April, it was warm and sunny, and we had the free rein of our time and resources. We paved the cobbled streets for hours every day, just drinking it all in - the people, this sights, the smells, awed by the sheer size and lavishness of this grand city.

Nothing was lost on me - the poverty, the beggars, ethnic diversity, morning rush hour, rather pesky waiters when you address them in English God forbid, but also the richness of architecture, art, fashion, a visual feast of a very special kind.

And food. Fantastic food, even plain sandwiches were fantastic. But most amazing for me are the two famous patisseries, Ladure and Pierre Herme, and all kinds of sweet wonders that melted on my tongue.

Our great hosts took us on all sorts of little trips around the city and its vicinity, as well as to great restaurants, a bodega party and a smokey night club, but for me, the city and its never ending noise and rush, the streets, the churches that just jump out at you as you turn a corner, the trees and parks, these made the greatest impression.

We had another trip to France after this and spent a day in Paris before leaving for a lavish wedding ceremony for our hosts and further on, down the Loire valley ending up in Ile de Re in the Atlantic, but that was a whole different story. Amazing and beautiful, but not quite as fabulous as Paris.





It was a dream come true, it was the fulfillment of a childhood dream, it was a honey moon with the man I love, it was my first visit to a Western European city and it was a fairytale.