Rules and Routines

What's a woman without her 9 to 5? A question I ask myself often these days. Who am I without an office to go to? Without an immediate task at hand? Without a purpose? Without a routine, that soothing and comforting rhythm behind everything I do, that sets boundaries, clear and welcome, that tempers the existence, balances it?
Well, I've learned that I am not much without it. Or, rather, I can't seem to grasp what's beyond it. I feel anxious, lost, highly strung, and about to crack. My armor is pierced. I no longer define myself through what I do as I am currently unemployed. God, how awful! I hate the sound of it. I have not come to terms with it. I can't stop mulling it over and over, wondering if it's entirely my fault that I've found myself in this situation again after almost five years - five years of hard, honest work, and why me? Shaking off the victim mentality does not come easy for me. Also, always finding fault with myself, blaming myself, I excel at that. I'm thinking of adding the skill to my professional resume.
I can fully grasp how people lose it after, e.g. 40 years in the workforce, and then they retire and boom - lost, bobbing on the rough seas of life, left to your own devices to find meaning and purpose, again. To remember who you are/were, before - everything. To reclaim your own self. Whoever that stranger may be.
Why is it so hard to let go? Why are we programmed to cling tightly to the reins of control, however big an illusion it may be? Deep down, I know I could use this free time I am suddenly in possession of much better. I can use it to do all those things I like - walk, read, learn new things, be with myself, breathe, just think nothing, do nothing. But, and there is always a but, I cannot. Because the only thing I am acutely aware of is not how blessed I am to be living the life I do with a happy and healthy family, but how wretched I am to not have a job. I let that one thing that makes the equation of who I am ruin everything else and govern my perception of reality.
I wish I could undo it. I wish I can do better at not doing anything.
When I do give myself some breathing space, though, and let the real me through, this is what comes out - art, or as close to is as I'll ever be:

Stillness

A big claim, stillness is. I am rarely still. Even if I'm not moving, my mind is not still. It races, it jumps, it overdoes thinking, worrying, planning, work, life, everything. Achieving even a pretence of stillness is hard for me. I'm officially unemployed as of two days ago. Imagine what that does to my head. It does me in. It is not the first time I've been in this situation, in fact it happens in cycles every four-five years as projects end and new ones begin. In all previous instances, though, I was not able to take it easy during the hiathus. I would tie myself in a knot and shrink myself both physically and emotionally to a ticking bomb of anxiety. I have considered changing that this time around. I am thinking of not doing anything for a month and not worrying about it. For me, that's harder than giving birth. Making myself reconnect with the person underneath the worry and angst, listening to myself, feeling the feelings, making time for it, gosh, how am I ever going to do it? But, I'm willing to try. I took a walk yesterday around the empty Kalemegdan fortress and I was almost scared by stilness, peacefullness and quiet.

Milestones

In less than a month now I'll be reaching the ripe young age of 34. Sounds . . . scary? No. The number of years I've spent on the Blue Planet so far does not scare me, yet. Mature. Yes, but - I've somehow been born mature, always 'older' than I actually was at the time, and somehow all-knowing of the world and its secrets. Too knowing for my own good. That does not mean I haven't made mistakes. There have been mistakes galore for the 30 something years but I'm not in the retrospective mood this year. Some of the bigger ones have been rehashed too many times for my own good, some lessons learned, yes, some progress at forgiving myself made, but for what I consider the biggest ones - no, no scratching beyond their surface value and I know this is something that would have to happen, eventually. 

It's summer, my favorite time of the year, and although it hasn't been covering itself in glory this time around (I'm talking to you, oh Gods of rain, yes, you heard me), I enjoy it. I enjoy the warmth, the sun, the fruit, the lazy feeling, the empty Belgrade, and only regret not getting to go to the seaside this year, due to the planned vacation dates being too close to my actual due date. I guess summer is also what makes my birthdays more tolerable and somehow always taken more lightly than what the numbers suggest. Everything is less serious in August.

The birthday this year gets me closer to another birthday - of my unborn child, and that's what sets the tone for being 34. Will everything be all right? Will I give birth to a healthy child? How will my older daughter cope with the new addition to the household? Will I make mistakes as a parent of two? Will those mistakes be the ones that my kids resent me for in their 20s or 30s? How will I cope with two kids? Am I going to go mental for a few months like the last time around? Am I ever again coming back to myself, to what I want, need, wish and be free to do it? How much adjustment will it take? Will the compromises ever stop? How will my marriage be affected by all this? 

Doubt much? Yes. Worry much? Oh, yes, definitely. Scared? Way too much. I am scared of this new chapter in my life more than I'd like to admit. But that's me. I'm always scared and worried in advance. And than when it's time to perform/take the test/pass the exam, everything usually falls into place and happens the way it should. It's not always the way I expect it to be, though, but that does not mean that it ends up badly, no. 

I have an impression that I'm breathing hard these days, catching my breath, getting ready for the ride of my life. I know nothing will ever be the same. I don't know how will it turn out and what to expect. Am I ready? I don't know that either. All I know is that when it starts happening, I'll manage, hell, I'll even do a stellar job at times, or less of a good one at other moments, but I'll give it my all and I won't be looking back. And I won't be doing it on my own.

I hope the number 34 brings joy and good times for my family. I hope it brings that feeling of being good in your own skin and the ever-elusive peace of mind. I hope it brings clarity, reason, purpose and significance. I hope it adds to an improved version of me.

Here's to birthdays and great expectations!

Unlived Lives

“It seems a strange question until one realizes how much of our so-called mental life is about the lives we are not living, the lives we are missing out on, the lives we could be leading but for some reason are not. What we fantasize about, what we long for, are the experiences, the things and the people that are absent. It is the absence of what we need that makes us think, that makes us cross and sad.”

“All of us lead two parallel lives: the life we actually live and the one that we wish for and fantasize about. And this life unlived (the one that never actually happens, the one we might be living but for some reason are not) can occupy an extraordinary part of our mental life. We share our lives, in a sense, with the people we have failed to be – and this can become itself the story of our lives: an elegy to needs unmet, desires sacrificed and roads untaken….Adam Phillips demonstrates that there might in fact be much to be said for the unlived life. …he suggests that in missing out on one experience we always open ourselves to the potential of another, and that in depriving ourselves of the frustration of not getting what we think we want, we would be depriving ourselves of the possibilities of satisfaction.”

Adam Phillips, Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life

Shine bright!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

November Recap

This was one crazy month! Too many things, both good and bad happened in the space of only 30 days - that is what I find to be incredible every time I witness how one's life gets profoundly changed in the span of a few hours/days.

Here goes:

We've put in a request for a bank loan in order to buy a bigger apartment for our little family. Given the amount of paperwork and nerves that has taken so far, without being over - it's a marathon, not a short sprint obviously, I hope we make it and get it done as I really do not want to do it another time . . . If it works, it will be great, we'll have a nice place close to where we live now meaning our daily rhythm will not suffer any significant changes. Fingers&toes people!

My close cousin got married after 12 years of a relationship that we weren't exactly sure will actually end in a marriage. But it did and both the bride and the groom were genuinely happy for the duration of the ceremony and the ensuing celebrations. They had a small civil ceremony and then it was off to the party for us the younger generations. It was one of the greatest parties I attended lately, with this great DJ playing the 80s and 90s music. Some time after midnight it was real wild party time so the girls took off the high heels and some serous jumping around occurred. Here's the visual of no shoes:

Poor cast offs, all alone ;-) The purple ones to the left are all mine!











We had a nice family lunch the next day in a cute restaurant near the Danube.

This month also saw me on the road quite a lot:

It was first the work-related trip to Kladovo, a town in Eastern Serbia, on the banks of the mighty Danube, then the visit to hubby's grandparents in Croatia and my first sight of a sleepy little near by town of Virovitica, off to Novi Sad for the wedding, and then again work-related jaunts to Pirot and Prokuplje (with a sleep over in Nis)  - another first time for me in these two Serbian towns. I was lucky that the weather was mild and enjoyable for all the trips. This moving about certainly contributed to the feeling of time fleeting by.

 Kladovo, and Romania across the river

Prokuplje - really beautiful surroundings, vineyards and orchards all around, lots of history, even a settlement from the neolithic period for which it was recently proven that it was the location of first metal working human activity, and not Africa as was believed previously. Unfortunately, for all the natural wealth (three spas also in the vicinity), it is a poor town nowadays.

Inevitable mention of the second anniversary of my father's death. More deaths for close friends and colleagues. News of a horrible illness for my friend's father as well. Overwhelming at times.

Took my husband to see 'Seven Days in Havana'. A great omnibus film, seven short stories on the life in this amazing city with even more amazing people. All the cliches are featured - Cuban people, beautiful and special, singing and dancing like there is no tomorrow despite everything, Castro with his never-ending speeches that form the background TV noise, poverty, desperation, white folks misconceptions and prejudice about the place, but also cults and superstition, sexuality, comic relief all around and love. It paints a picture of a truly amazing place on Earth with unique and resilient people that, similarly to Serbs, express their appreciation and care through food and music.

source

A memorable episode in the movie is marked by Emir Kusturica, our famous director, portraying him as an ordinary man having issues with his fame, alcohol and his wife












Last but not least, new booties. Behold their soft leather glory!

These are the things that marked this month for me. And tons more that do not fit into this blog post. E-mail exchanges with people on far away ends of this world whose absence is acutely felt, phone calls with friends and a conspicuous absence of time to spend with them in person, my daughters improving drawing skills, poem interpretation and singing (it's wondrous how much she's grown and matured in the past few months), endless talks with my mom, etc.

Bring it on December!

Transition

Transitioning lives, transitioning roles, transitioning adulthood - I am recently more acutely aware of all these different aspects of everyday than at other times.

Several of my close and dear friends have either had their lives undergo this remarkable transition called 'child' or are about to undergo one real soon (the stork's been a frequent visitor of many in my immediate vicinity these past moths). Becoming a parent - the most beautiful and yet most difficult and challenging task for any human, at least from my perspective. That is the final act of transition from youth to adulthood. From being a girl, girlfriend, wife to being a mother - the single most important role that will define you until the day you die. No less responsibility or weight in becoming a father as well.

A fairy tale for adults

Another dear friend will walk down the aisle (although she is technically married already ;-), and confirm her oneness with a man she loves before God and before all who matter in their lives. A tremendous transition for any woman. A commitment that is supposed to last a lifetime (and fingers crossed in all earnest it will).

All these things happened to me several years ago, yet whenever they happen to another friend I re-live them and feel joy as well as sadness a bit for myself and for all of us together. Joy for everyone moving forward in their lives and making changes that lead to best possible results - children. Sadness as each wedding and each new child also move us farther away from our careless youths and simple lives that were so full of potential and possibilities, yet so unchartered and new only a few years ago.

These transitioning times also make me realize with more certainty than ever before that I am so lucky to be here to witness all the change and share with everyone I hold dear and special. It also makes me acutely aware of how I lived through my own experience of becoming a mother with very much mixed feelings and sadness over an illness that will eventually take my father. It also makes me cherish more the time we spent together and the fact that he stuck around long enough to meet his granddaughter.

Marriages and new children of my relatives and friends expand this circle of beautiful people with which I share my life and with which I wish my family is surrounded at all times. This makes me grounded and content with the life I have. It also makes all kinds of transitions much easier.

Do we need to have it all?

The topic of women and their position in the modern society is something I do think about a lot lately. Given that I'm in my thirties, a mother of a four-year old, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a working woman for almost ten years now, it is only natural that I am considering this important issue.

Monday Morning

I find that more than ever before we - women - are finding ourselves in this impossible position that we need to fulfill too many social roles and, what's more, that we need to excel in all of them in order to make it count. We need to be perfect mothers or our children will end up as miserable sociopaths, drug users, homicidal maniacs, or generally unhappy people. We need to be perfect wives and keep our marriages together and our husbands happy. We need to be highly educated, professional and committed at our work place and work harder than our male colleagues for smaller salaries. We need to be there for our parents or siblings, unconditionally, mending and patching whatever needs to be tended to, helping and being there, listening if nothing else. And, we also need to be as good looking and youthful as possible, cultured and informed, working on ourselves all the time, perfecting, perfecting, perfecting to infinity and beyond.

Why? And, more importantly - who says so? Why all this pressure? I find that most of the time this comes from other women. And we are so quick when it comes to criticizing one other and dishing out judgement. Hell, I do it as often as the next person.

I think that we do not need to have it all. We really don't. What we need to do is try and do the best we can but even then we must not start out with this impossible premise that we need to be perfect in everything.

Also, we need to lose the guilt trip. Men really have an advantage over us there - they rarely ever have guilt trips. For a woman, this comes naturally. Especially in the Balkans. We are brought up that way, most of us anyway. And I don't think it is even a conscious decision on the part of our mothers.They just replicate this age old model and we happily play along, striving to be these perfect daughters. Until it becomes too much and we snap. I don't want that for my daughter. I want to do a better job at that than my mom did. (This does not mean that I don't absolutely love and respect my mom for everything she's done for me.)

Loosing the guilt, accepting that we cannot fix everything, trying the best we can - this should be enough. Enough for us and enough for the society. Less judging, more understanding and acceptance. Less tension and restlessness, more being at peace with who we are and where our lives are going. This needs to become my mantra anyway.

XOXO
Mimi

Rest in peace, kite boy!

I always thought you will be there, looking at me with those smiling eyes, telling me: ‘hey kiddo, you’ve finally grow up, and I think you’re awesome’. I would show you my daughter, you would be impressed with her beauty and her eyes, just like mine.
And you would just wave good bye and say: ‘see ya!’
And I would be content, getting that seal of approval from you, showing you how well things have turned out for me, showing you that I still have it, that something you liked . . .
And now there is no chance of that happening ever.
I’m sad, so sad. I miss you!
Rest in peace kite boy!