I am someone

This really blew me off today . . . I think I've been searching for a real definition of this feeling of complexity for so long and these simple yet poignant words just wowed me when I read them this morning. I am somebody without labels, definitions, fake priorities of shoulds and must-haves and all that - I am me and that is so many mes all wrapped up in one and I don't want to let go of any of them. They may mature, change over time, so their voices are subdued and some others take over but they are all inside. A teenager who knows the lyrics to all new MTV/VH1 tunes, a geeky bookworm in eternal quest for knowledge, a doting mom, a loving wife, a sexy woman, a clumsy woman, a sister, a friend, a child, a big goof, an all-too-serious grown-up, prone to tears and rages and meek as a lamb all at once, all in one, me!

33

It's my birthday! Yaaay me! I'm 33! And I like it! It's a glorious day, sunny and warm, not too hot, I've been woken up by my Darling Daughter with kisses and best wishes, I've made a ginormous cake, chocolate of course, I am going to spend most of the day in the office but it's ok, I'm fine with that, because I'll make up for it tonight (Beer Fest, r'n'r music and dust) and tomorrow (with the girls). And on Sunday there will be a big family lunch, more cake, everything befitting a proper birthday bash! Today nothing dampens my spirits, I am happy, I feel loved and I love myself, life and the world!

Melting Point

IT"S SO HOT TODAY! A hot wind is blowing, my skin is sweaty and sticky since the moment I stepped out of the house this morning and it's not a good day to be doing anything actually. I feel like going home, slumping on the bed nearly naked and reading . . . maybe . . . or just sleeping . . . Of all days I've chose today for wearing another pair of high-heeled wedges, although I forgot how pleasantly comfortable are these. Exhibit 1 below:

You don't see the high heel but it IS high believe you me! At least my legs look better in high heels, a bonus no woman will ever give up lightly. Despite the pain . . .

I rummaged through sales racks in both Zara and Mango. Nothing spectacular or worth spending on. I'm not impressed really and I'm not that prone to parting with the hard earned cash for something I find merely tolerable. That prompted me to start thinking of what I have in my wardrobe, what can be worn this coming autumn/winter and what is past its due date. This will help me focus on what I really need to fill the gaps.


(it's good to talk to yourself like this every once in a while, helps keeping the wallet from seeing sun light too often and the bank balance stays in the pink!)

Word!

Here is the smartest, most to the point, eye-opener of a text that I have read ever on the subject of women and 'having it all'. A painful, realistic picture of society at large and our place in it. I had to share, I hope someone else also finds it useful.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Next month i will be turning 33. Wow! The Jesus' years, the 'you're in your fourth decade and you cannot ignore it any longer' years, magic years. It's hardly time for looking back and casting nostalgic looks over the decades past - I still think I'm too young for that, but a few home truths have definitely hit me as I tallied up the numbers and came up with 33.

I always thought I'd have at least two kids by the time I'm 33. And I thought I'd have at least a master degree under my belt if not a PhD. For the rest, I'm pretty much there with the hopes and dreams of my youth. A proud mom, a wife and a partner of 14 years, a home-owner (married to the bank, counting every penny towards loan payments though, but still;), and working for almost 10 years now. Not bad, I need to pat myself on the back more often, though not too often or I'll get complacent.

When I look in the mirror, I see a mature version of my round face, pale complexion and baby-blues. I see wrinkles and lines, I see redness that just won't go away but is under control and I see a difference after a good night's sleep which means time is taking its toll on the suppleness of my skin.
I started exercising regularly two months ago and I see a difference in the shape of my body and what is more important I feel stronger and am aware of certain muscles I didn't know I had before. The long and winding journey to full self acceptance and making peace with my body image and whatever looks back at me from the mirror is a place I haven't reached yet, but I seem to be getting there easier with years.Oh, and, I'm completely gray haired. Blame it on bad genes. Root touch ups every six weeks are a must.

I still feel like a teenager about certain things - I listen to all the latest music, I know all celebrity gossip and I fall in love with movie stars every now and then, passionately and hopelessly, as can be evidenced from the sidebar of this blog. Other than that, I'm pretty much too grown up and serious about most things in my life, which can make me seem strict and unforgiving, and black-or-white, but no, in reality there is a lot of grey I see, understand and have in my life as well.

What I wish to change is to become a better listener, to shift the focus away from the all-consuming thinking/behaving like 'me' is the center of everything and really pay attention to other people. Not that I don't but I want to do more of it. Listening and really engaging with others makes us feel human and also lets us have another look at ourselves and our lives from a different perspective that a constant inward look cannot provide.

What I also wish is to do more of the things I seem to have forgotten I like. I want to learn another language, I want to read more books, I want to go out dancing more often and I want to travel more, more, more.

I say, bring it on 33!

Peaches and Cream

It's the season of peaches and I'm enjoying it to the full since they are my favorite fruit. There is a nice elderly gentleman selling them on our local market that has trouble speaking but is nevertheless very nice to his customers and has really first-class goods so in addition to really loving the fruit I like seeing him throughout summer and going to the same set of nods and smiles when buying peaches every time. Being a clumsy person, I'm also a messy eater so I end up with stains from peach juice dribbling down my hands but the messiness of consuming peaches also makes me like them more. And if that's not enough, read here why peaches are good for you!

Other summertime joys these days consist of watching reruns of a great danish TV series - Borgen - every night with the hubby. It's a great political drama with complex characters, great dialogue and a plot that keeps you guessing with every new episode. Inevitably there's love affairs galore, tit-for-tat party politics, backstabbing, loudmouth journalists - all necessary for a good story on politics and power. I also like the fact that the Prime Minister is a lady - sometimes it really hurts to watch what she is made to do and become in order to stay afloat among the political opponents, her own party friends who watch for the least inkling of a wrong move to jump at the opportunity to oust her from the position of power and especially how that affects her personal and family life. Warmly recommended for hot summer nights ;)

When working, this Bastille album just keeps playing in the background, helps me think, concentrate better:

The latest shoe craving:

I mean, what's not to love?

Hindsight vision is 20/20

The rough part is making the right decisions, doing the right things, taking the right path now. And not having regrets/second thought later on. If only I could send out some wise words to my younger self, there are things I would have done differently. Because now I know and I understand so much better.

I would have cleared out all issues related to body image once and for all at the age of fifteen. I would tell myself 'you're young and you're beautiful, everything about you is beautiful - your body, your skin, your hair, your face - own it, enjoy it, appreciate it and feel good about it now!'

I would make myself be less hard on, well, myself. I would lose the guilt trips, let myself fail and pick up and go from there - failure is not a bad thing, you can't live in constant fear of failing and be paralyzed by it. You need to fail and fail early enough in order to be able to grow from it. Suck it up soldier and move on!

I would stress less about almost everything, especially my studies. But I would also feel more confident about being smart and showing it. Always. Without the fear of looking stupid. Without apologizing for it.

I would doubt myself less. Because, in all honesty, you can do anything if you are prepared to work hard and learn. Nothing mysterious about it. Just plain hard work, sweat of your brow, elbow grease.

I would pay so much less attention to what anyone has to say about anything and just go with my gut. People and their views on your life/actions/mistakes are only as important as you make them out to be. If you're going to make mistakes, make them your own so that later there is no one else to blame.

And I would smile more and be happy more and savor every moment of being happy and go out more, dance more. I wouldn't do drugs through. I don't regret that.